Oof. My mental health has been a hot mess during quarantine. I moved right as this all started, so aside from my coworkers (who are lovely), I have no one up here. I go home every night to my dogs and just sit. I fully realize I am not alone in this, and that’s why I think it’s important that I share.

I am not entirely sure why, but my self esteem has taken a hard hit during all of this. I have spent so much time on Instagram scrolling through models I do not and will not ever look like. I logged out of my account for a few days and truly felt a little better. I started that Chloe Ting workout (it’s the blog post before this if you’re interested) and it is HARD. I’m trying to keep up with it, but I have little to no motivation lately.

I’m feeling very lonely, but being stuck at home has made me feel antisocial for some reason. I don’t want to talk and I am not focusing or interested in conversation. And sometimes it’s hard to feel like this and talk about it. I never want to feel like a burden on anyone, so a lot of times I just sit in it alone.

My friend convinced me to download the calm app and I’m working on the 7 days of calm, but I am not doing great with it. Me sitting quietly with my eyes closed just leads to me thinking of what to make for dinner or what tattoo I want next or if I should dye my hair again…and not being calm.

Then I remembered a book that changed my life.

I’ve been a huge fan of Mod Sun for about 8 years now. He drew my first tattoo. I have a poster of him hanging above me in my office. He is an endlessly beautiful human being who deserves all of the love in the world.

He has a book called Did I Ever Wake Up? and it is incredible.  It changes your point of view and way of thinking and guides you through looking more positively at your life. I have a physical copy of it that he signed (if you buy it, once it’s added to your cart, you can write details for him and he will sign yours!) and I used to carry it everywhere with me. He also recorded himself reading it. It’s 5 videos. He has a beautiful, passionate and calming voice. I’ve been starting my mornings with it. Listening to it while I do my makeup and pick my outfit. I don’t have the patience or focus for meditation every day. I don’t wake up early enough to just sit for 15 minutes every morning. But I can play the book while I do my morning routine, and I can tell it’s making me feel better. It’s starting my day in a much more positive way. Even if I’m just sad, putting it on and listening to him makes me feel so much better. The book is so beautiful and the ways of thinking he shares are so small but so powerful and easy to apply in real life.

Maybe it won’t work for you. Maybe you have something better! But if you’re looking for something, know that you’re not alone, and try this, because I love it a lot.